The greatest moment of my life came last Saturday during a whale watching event off the coast of Newport, Rhode Island. I was with a group of friends, but it wasn’t the friends that made it great. It was my complete annihilation of Spiderman.
For the record, I didn’t want to go. The whole thing just sounded like a huge environmentalist money-sink. But my friends persisted and I finally broke down and agreed.
We got out to the dock and there was this rinky-dink boat waiting for us. There was a crowd waiting for the captain to let them on, so we all stood around and mingled for a bit.
It was cold and I didn’t really feel like talking. To make it worse, there was this little kid – maybe five or six years old – wearing a Spiderman costume, complaining and screaming about everything. “Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.” This kid went on and on. “You’re fat. You’re skinny. You’re a man. You’re ugly.” And then he’d yell.
After about an hour of this screaming kid fiasco, the captain let us on the boat, but there weren’t enough seats. Thinking I could dodge the crowd, I made a straight bee-line for one in the back.
Who did I end up losing it to? That Spiderman flesh spawn. He popped up out of nowhere, yelling, “Losers weepers!”
I turned around and all the seats were taken, so I sat on the floor toward the back of the boat, where the engine fumes were somewhat bearable. At some point I got sea sick real bad and threw up over the edge. Spiderman was there, yelling, “Gross! Do it again!”
Eventually the captain told us we reached our destination and that there was a pod of whales swimming toward the front of the boat. I got up and meandered my way across the deck. I tried my hardest to stand among the crowd and act normal, but the sea sickness got the best of me. It was either run to the back of the boat or throw up in the crowd, so I turned and sprinted across the deck. And that’s when it happened – the perfect moment.
I was so focused on reaching the rail that I didn’t see Spiderman crossing my path like a deer on a dark highway. He stopped, or they tell me he stopped, and he just stared at me. And then my knee met his face, shook its hand, and blew it into a whole new galaxy.
His limp body soared through the air, resembling a whale breaking the surface of the ocean, and my eyes grew as big as my smile. I felt like a wizard learning how to levitate an object for the first time. Everything about that moment was perfect. I had destroyed Spiderman.
Then I threw up all over the deck and the father punched me in the face. And I was banned from whale watching.
Best trip I ever took.